Jul 9, 2011

Hello,I am an Idiot

Okay, it's been a while. I've been busy making friends and breaking up with friends on Facebook. 
It's been a blast, but it was, once again taking up too much of my time. And, now, 1 day after shutting it down once again, I am missing it's comfortable numbness. Mostly because I am an idiot, and when an idiot posts something idiotic on Facebook, they get laughed at and they get their comments "liked" . they get comments on their idioticness. And, I miss that...especially after tonight. I was a big idiot.
I went to my friend's 30th birthday party. Most of my good friends were there....ok, ALL my good friends were there, but somehow, I felt out of place...as I have been feeling lately. You know that feeling, when you enter into a room and you feel that silence fall apon you like everyone was talking about you in hushed tones? I felt like that. Granted, no silence fell apon me when I entered the party...but I felt like a stranger.
A game of volleyball insued, Joe and I were apposite side, which is ok...but I felt alone and insecure, and apprehensive about the ball coming to me. I don't usually feel this way. I am usually like, "bring it on sucka!" but not this time. I made a fool out of myself time after time, missing the ball, hitting the ball and making it go crazy. I'm sure no one minded...but I hated looking so bad. I guess I am proud, and didn't like looking like I sucked.
Then, when it was time to sing "Happy Birthday" every one was looking around for someone to start the song, and I stared it...yeah....like in the totally wrong key!!! Way too high, and out of everyone's range. I felt like an absolute idiot. I am supposed to know how to sing...why did I mess it up. 
Then lastly, in true idiot form...after a special "movie/slideshow" was done of the birthday girl, I shouted..."Time for CAKE!" I sounded like a pushy jerk. Why must I always act like I am a freakin 10 year old! Why do I feel the need to draw attention to myself? I just want to be loved...not resented. But I feel like, lately, everyone is laughing at me, not with me.
Alas...stupid is as stupid does...again! *sigh*


Joe Green said...

This just makes me want to give you a huge hug... I'm sorry that you didn't have as good a time as I thought you were... I love you and think you are the Bee's Knees, Elbows, and Thorax...

Tama said...

I LOVE you and I think you're a great friend and should never feel like an idiot, because you are who you are and you are a wonderful friend, mother, and sister to all!